#9 Forgiving our parents and caregivers

Show Notes

Happy Thanksgiving! Though this day has quite questionable roots, many of us are spending time with those we love. For many Asians, this might mean returning home to our conservative Asian families. In this episode, I share with you something that is near and dear to my heart – forgiving our parents and caregivers.

Show Transcript

Steven Wakabayashi: Okay, where are we? Hello, hello. My name is Steven Wakabayashi and you’re listening to Yellow Glitter Mindfulness Through the Eyes and Soul of a Gay Asian. Every episode I share with you what’s on my mind or things I’m struggling with and how I’m working through it to help you live a more mindful, fabulous life.

Happy Thanksgiving. Although this holiday has quite questionable roots, many of us have this holiday to visit. Those we love and celebrate gratitude over a meal together. And for many Asians, this is returning home to a conservative family. For this episode, I wanna talk about a topic that’s near and dear to my heart.

Forgiving our parents. And caregivers. In this episode, I talk about my story of finding forgiveness for my conservative family, what unconditional love truly means, why forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. I share an exercise in getting in touch with our emotions. I share another exercise on how to address and to validate our feelings.

And lastly, I share with you. A few points on how to be grateful with unconditional love and forgiveness. Okay? And for me, unconditional love, forgiveness. This has been a huge milestone as a part of my healing. My father died from leukemia when I was seven years old, and I was raised by my single mom. Long story short, I ended up growing up way too soon, too fast.

I took on a lot of responsibilities that my friends never had, and on top of this, I was trying to navigate my queer identity in a very conservative hometown. Being gay, never had a foreseeable future. At least in both my dad’s side and in my mom’s huge family. My father’s Japanese side was extremely small, and unfortunately they have all passed away.

My mother’s side, however, she is one of 13 children, and in all of the lineages on her side in Taiwan, nobody has come out. As queer. They are so conservative, so ignorant, and in fact, many of ’em still ask me when I am going to get married to a woman and settle down. Coming out has been extremely difficult and often ignored.

For the longest time, I was angry and wished I was a part of another family. Especially those white families. You see gleefully celebrating their coming out stories on social media, but I. Unconditional love goes both ways, and in my mom’s case, it wasn’t her choice to be born into a family in rural southern Taiwan.

Their family was extremely poor and could barely feed themselves every day. It was customary to learn traditional conservative customs, including the coming of age marriage between a man and a woman. And then having kids, and this is the narrative for most Asian families, rich or poor. In fact, legalizing same-sex marriage just finally passed in Taiwan only six months ago, and it is still illegal in most parts of Asia in rural areas.

This conservative perspective becomes amplified when there’s a lack of queer representation in media as well as no pride. No queer clubs and no queer bars. Unconditional love is to take all of this into consideration. I recognize that my mother, her family, they all did not have a choice in what they learned growing up, including the lack of queer education and friendships.

And to be honest, I already have a tough time changing some of my preconceived beliefs as I am 30, but I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for people even twice my age. By approaching conservative beliefs with more consciousness and compassion, we can begin to love people for who they truly are.

And although it may be difficult at times, realize that unconditional love is a two ways treat. We need to be responsible in giving unconditional love as much as we expect to receive it. And so, I turn this over to you. Find a place in your heart to find unconditional love and forgive your parents, your caregivers, your cousins, your siblings, your friends, and other family members who may not see eye to eye with you, whether it’s regarding your sexuality or anything else you may not agree with them on.

They are trying their best given their limited life experiences they had no control over growing up and in opening up your heart to unconditional love, perhaps you’ll find a place in your heart to also forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiveness means to let go of the pain that we ourselves choose to harbor.

Forgiveness means to love those that have hurt us because we understand perhaps they too have been extremely hurt in the past, and though it doesn’t excuse their actions and what they have done, we can let go of the attention we choose to give it in letting go. We open ourselves to new experiences.

Opportunities and feelings. By forgiving, we put an end to the cyclical trauma that is often passed down generation after generation by creating a new story. Though it is not easy, we can forgive and stop this loop with unconditional love and pave the way for a better future for those after us. And so a few tips on how to get there.

First, it is to get in touch with your emotions. To forgive, we must first acknowledge and validate our wounds. Too often I hear people say, I feel X with X not being a feeling at all. I feel like going to the bathroom, I feel like he shouldn’t have said that. I feel like that is wrong. Going to the bathroom, what people do, identifying problems.

These are not feelings. In this exercise with a piece of paper or using Excel spreadsheet, create two columns on the left column. Write down what happened throughout the day and on the right, write down your feelings associated with every single thing that happened. A famous psychologist Robert plu, who studied emotions extensively identified eight.

Basic primary emotions, four of which are polar opposites of each other. There is joy and sadness, trust and disgust. Anger and fear and anticipation and surprise. The spectrum of emotions we have all stem from these Core eight and the combinations of them go down the column and associate an emotion with every single action you take throughout the day.

For many, this is an extremely eye-opening exercise. I’ll include the link of his chart in the show notes. Second, an exercise that has helped me tremendously to process emotion has been release writing. So sit down, set a timer for 15, 20 minutes and address a letter to whoever you are working through an issue with.

And just write, write anything and everything you want. Talk about your feelings, hopes, wants, and all that your heart wants to say. You’re not gonna mail this or send this letter to them. At the end of the session, you’re going to rip it up and let it go. By putting your feelings into writing, you build awareness of your thoughts.

And in this exercise, it feels so relinquishing to validate and release the emotions that weigh you down. Third and final tip is really just to open yourself up to love unconditionally. Also starting with the little things first. If family is too hard to love unconditionally, can you try it with your friends, the random clerk at the grocery store, and hopefully working our way up towards those.

We struggle to find love for it the most. Unconditional love is without conditions or any expectations. Our parents and caregivers have their own struggles and demons to work through some process it better than others. And in giving love, we also give them the freedom and the space to focus on their own healing rather than having them focus their efforts on us.

They are only human. Imperfect and trying their best with their limited knowledge and capabilities. How can we fault them on that? And perhaps they never had the opportunity to work on their inner demons. And for that we have so much compassion. If they can’t let it go, it doesn’t mean we can’t. We are choosing to let go in our own volition.

And so in this season of gratitude, find the space for unconditional love and forgiveness because you. Deserve it. Hmm. Hope that was so helpful. You can reach out to me on my Instagram at Steven Waka Bahi slide into my dms. Let me know your thoughts on this. I love hearing from you, and I also publish a weekly mindfulness newsletter at Mind Moments dot sub stack.com to hear what’s what.

To hear what’s on my mind and links to things that I discover online that inspire me each week. And if you enjoyed this, please share it on your social media. Tag me at Steven Waka on Instagram and Facebook and at Waku WKU U on Twitter. And with that, so much love for you and hope your day and holiday.

Can be a little bit more mindful by now.